There was a time, back at the dawning of the Internet, when only smart people roamed the web. Through a complex series of protocols, logins, and l33t speek, if you did not know what you were doing, you were left to communicate by phone or post (or in person, if you want to get technical).
That all ended with the advent of AOL, which allowed any moron with a keyboard to type in a username and password, after calling tech support to have it reset because they forgot it since the day before. These brain-dead AOL’ers abused the system to send each other every bit of useless nonsense ever typed, thus disproving the old legend that if you gave a million monkeys a million computers, they’d reproduce the works of Shakespeare.
And so it is, that here in the annals of 2006, it will be recorded that Kimberly tagged me with that goofy thing she just did. And so, without further ado, here are Five Bald Faced Lies About Uh, Whatever Comes To Mind:
5. I created Internet memes as a way of reducing surplus online population. It is common knowledge that if I forward 10 things to 10 people, and they each forward it to 10 people, given that each of us mostly know the same people, everyone will get so many copies of the same chain letter that it’ll cause the computer to violently explode, occasionally sending steaming hot shrapnel into standers-by, with the possibility of killing the computer operator. I did this towards the end of the 1990’s, because I was receiving so many e-mail chain letters and virus hoaxes, that I was moved with emotion and acted without remorse.
And I still don’t regret it.
Except for when someone like Kimberly, who is now my enemy, tags me with one.
4. I once completed the 100 yard dash in about 11 seconds, and I wasn’t even being chased by anything! I just felt like doing it.
3. Nothing’s coming to mind right now, but I’m listening to the They Might Be Giants song Nightgown Of The Sullen Moon, from the album Miscellaneous T. It is a very catchy tune, and I am glad that Yahoo’s Launchcast has such a wide variety of music to play for me while I’m at work, so I don’t have to listen to my various coworkers telling nerd stories to each other, and laughing at their own jokes. OK, so maybe that isn’t a Bald Faced Lie, but what are you going to do about it? Leave me a comment? Ha! I scoff at the threat of your displeased comment!
4. Everything tastes better with salt on it, even salt itself.
5. Sometimes, when a woman asks me if what she’s wearing makes her look fat, I say “Yes!” and roll my eyes and groan, to put emphasis on just how fat the clothes make her look. I do not suffer any ill effects from doing this.
So there you go, 5 items, counted in palindrome style for added amusement.