Monthly Archives: January 2006

Wherein Kimberly becomes my enemy

There was a time, back at the dawning of the Internet, when only smart people roamed the web. Through a complex series of protocols, logins, and l33t speek, if you did not know what you were doing, you were left to communicate by phone or post (or in person, if you want to get technical).

That all ended with the advent of AOL, which allowed any moron with a keyboard to type in a username and password, after calling tech support to have it reset because they forgot it since the day before. These brain-dead AOL’ers abused the system to send each other every bit of useless nonsense ever typed, thus disproving the old legend that if you gave a million monkeys a million computers, they’d reproduce the works of Shakespeare.

And so it is, that here in the annals of 2006, it will be recorded that Kimberly tagged me with that goofy thing she just did. And so, without further ado, here are Five Bald Faced Lies About Uh, Whatever Comes To Mind:

5. I created Internet memes as a way of reducing surplus online population. It is common knowledge that if I forward 10 things to 10 people, and they each forward it to 10 people, given that each of us mostly know the same people, everyone will get so many copies of the same chain letter that it’ll cause the computer to violently explode, occasionally sending steaming hot shrapnel into standers-by, with the possibility of killing the computer operator. I did this towards the end of the 1990’s, because I was receiving so many e-mail chain letters and virus hoaxes, that I was moved with emotion and acted without remorse.
And I still don’t regret it.
Except for when someone like Kimberly, who is now my enemy, tags me with one.

4. I once completed the 100 yard dash in about 11 seconds, and I wasn’t even being chased by anything! I just felt like doing it.

3. Nothing’s coming to mind right now, but I’m listening to the They Might Be Giants song Nightgown Of The Sullen Moon, from the album Miscellaneous T. It is a very catchy tune, and I am glad that Yahoo’s Launchcast has such a wide variety of music to play for me while I’m at work, so I don’t have to listen to my various coworkers telling nerd stories to each other, and laughing at their own jokes. OK, so maybe that isn’t a Bald Faced Lie, but what are you going to do about it? Leave me a comment? Ha! I scoff at the threat of your displeased comment!

4. Everything tastes better with salt on it, even salt itself.

5. Sometimes, when a woman asks me if what she’s wearing makes her look fat, I say “Yes!” and roll my eyes and groan, to put emphasis on just how fat the clothes make her look. I do not suffer any ill effects from doing this.

So there you go, 5 items, counted in palindrome style for added amusement.

Wherein I am quite surprised by craigslist is a funny site. Being able to list a free classified is quite an attractive proposition, and you can find an amazing array of bizarre items and bizarre people there. Some posts will really make you laugh.

For instance, a fellow listed a brand new Yamaha YZF-R6 sportbike for sale for $13,500. MSRP on that bike is $9,100.

But that’s beside the point. What totally surprised me today, was browsing the motorcycle classifieds, and finding my 2002 KTM Supermoto for sale! It is in the exact same condition as I sold it, with what appears to be the same number of miles. All the customizations I installed for my comfort and riding pleasure are there.

I had purchased it as a more comfortable alternative to my supersport TL1000s, and then sold it a year later, as it was not practical to keep two motorcycles and a truck running, as “spare vehicles,” and the TL worked better for my super-long commute.

The Supermoto is a great bike though. With that long travel suspension, curbs and speedbumps become wheelie opportunities. It’s so light, that pushing it after running out of gas is no more difficult than pushing a mountain bike. With the electrical outlet I installed, I could plug in an electric vest, and stay warm throughout winter.

Ahh, good times. Motorcycles make life more pleasant.

Don’t throw things in the bathroom

So, today I’m taking a nice warm shower, and I notice a cap from a bottle of shampoo is in the little tray that holds the shampoos, soap, and other unidentifiable bottled goods my wife keeps in the tray. The cap rolls around, preventing the bottles from standing upright, and generally takes up more space than anything that is useless garbage should take up.

So I plucked it from the tray, and tossed it lightly over the shower curtain, in the direction of the garbage and sink.

But instead of it landing with a clatter on the counter or floor, I hear glass shatter and tinkle on the floor. Puzzled, I pull the curtain aside, and see that the cap had hit one of the super large lightbulbs above the vanity, shattering it, with shards landing all over the sink, toilet, my clothes, and the floor.

Oh well, just another day.

Boy am I sore!

Practice last night was pretty intense, and I would up partnered with several intermediate opponents. Normally, I only challenge the highest-ranked people, and they are good enough that accidents rarely happen.

The intermediates, however, take some wild swings, or do funky stuff why trying to block and counter-attack. As a result, I took a couple blows to my right elbow, my hip, and my fingers / knuckles. And for some reason, the knuckle of my big toe on my left foot is really sore. Maybe I was pushing off with that foot too hard, or something.

What’s more, I was still sore last night from going jogging on Tuesday, and so now, all my muscles are even more sore.

Work-out sore, though, feels much better than bruised and beaten sore.